to soul places

Not a few friends of mine squirm when I tell them about my present preoccupation: planning my own funeral. Now I don’t mean to sound morbid, but do hear me out if you can spare the time…

Just last Friday, Pobs and I were driving home from another batchmate’s wedding and were talking about wedding songs that he will be performing at some ceremonies he’ll be attending in the next few days. I told him then about how I too have been thinking of the perfect song for me, though it wasn’t for my wedding day but for my wake. And it hit me — the irony! While most people are planning for the day they marry, what I am thinking about is what I want my funeral to be like!

Like, for instance, how I’d like to be cremated, my ashes scattered over a beach in

Palawan

at either sunset or dawn… Like how I don’t want anyone to be viewing my lifeless body and instead just be looking at the pictures I’ve taken over the years… In short, I don’t want there to be mourning but celebration! I want my funeral not to be about death but about life and how I tried to live it! I don’t want it to be morbid; I want it to be fun!

Think about it. I may never have a wedding, but I’ll definitely have a funeral, right? (Hehehehehe…)

So here is what I imagine it to be:

For the wake, which should last no longer than three days, I want my family and friends to gather in a cozy room, or better yet, under a big tent in some garden (maybe Dang Maria’s in Puerto if Tita Jane will let me or even Auntie Marivel’s house in Sandiwa) or at the beach (maybe in San Vicente). Instead of the smell of flowers (which I find nauseating), the smell of brewing coffee will fill the air. (If there are flowers at all, let them be flowers of spring like daisies and mums… the more colorful the better!) There will be comfortable couches and fluffy pillows strewn on the floor, and board games and playing cards and maybe even a sungka that people can play with. (You guys can gamble but all winnings must go to Bukas Sarili Foundation or some other worthy cause close to your heart.) Also, if there’s a mass as I’m sure my parents will insist on one, the songs Bukas Palad and Ikaw Lamang should be sang. There will be my mom’s famous lasagna for everyone to feast on and of course, lots of beer! And then, like I mentioned already, people will be looking at the photos I’ve taken of the places I’ve been and the people I’ve met along the way. (I mean, really, wouldn’t that be so much nicer to look at than a corpse???). And of course, my favorite music will be playing in the background, mostly by U2 and the Beatles and Live and Bob Marley and “Last Goodbye” by Jeff Buckley and in particular, “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. If my friends will get together and read poetry (not necessarily mine, though that would be nice) and go on to have a full blast rock/reggae concert (calling all my musician friends!) and dance and sing the night away, then by the Grace of this Beautiful Universe, I would be eternally grateful!

I truly hope I’m not freaking anyone out. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to make it seem like I got it all together and that somehow death does not scare me. Of course it does! But see, I truly believe that if there’s one thing that’s worse than being afraid to die it is being afraid to live.

I just want to be able to spend the rest of my life knowing that the details of what happens after it ends are already taken of and that even after I’m gone, I will still have one final chance to say goodbye to everyone I love MY way. To some level, I guess this is being narcissistic, but what I really want is for my funeral to be my final, parting gift to those I love — so that if while I was alive, I did not have the chance, then maybe in death, I could let them know just how much they meant to me. It will be the final farewell which will say all the “Sorry’s” and “Thank you’s” and “I wish you well’s” and “I love you’s” that in life I may not have been able to say.

So there. Di naman morbid yun, di ba? J